[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Peg! Kids!
Time to torture me. I'm home.
Let's hear the pitter-patter of little feet,
the thrusting of greedy little hands.
What's this?
"Dear Al, the kids are spending the night someplace
"and I'm going out for a few hours.
"Peggy.
P.S. Dinner's on the table."
Yeah, nothing says loving like something from the oven.
I'm a B-B-B-Bud man and a C-C-C-Cub fan.
Ah!
Got the whole house to myself.
It's like I died and went to--
Hi, Al.
Hell.
How was your day, honey?
Up till now, great.
Today will go down in history
as the day that nothing went wrong.
First, I caught all the green lights to and from work.
Then, I heard three good songs in a row on the oldies station.
Best of all, some fat woman came in the store and yelled at me,
then she went out and fell right on her ass.
And tonight, the Cubs, and you, you're going out.
No, I'm not.
We were going to have a Tupperware party
over at Mrs. Zimmerman's house,
but the store was out of x-rated tapes, so I came home.
You know, Al, since the kids are both gone,
I was thinking maybe we could fool around.
Peg, if we do that now, your birthday just won't be special.
Come on, honey.
Ah, I got to say no, but here's an idea.
Get me some chips.
Got to say no, but how about this?
Sex for potato chips.
I got to say no.
I'll give you 5 bucks.
Well, what the hell.
This'll last longer than sex, anyhow.
Where's the chips?
Probably at the store.
Ah, what the heck.
Still a good day.
I got my game, got my beer.
Got my gal.
Well, at least the kids are gone.
Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.
I thought you were staying out someplace?
Well, I was, but Robby's mom came home in a bad mood.
She said something about "no movies, no Tupperware."
Skooch over.
How was work? Ah, who cares?
How's school? Who cares?
Good boy.
Now, shut up, Bud, the game's gonna come on.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
I thought you were spending the night out?
I did.
Skooch over.
Oh, guess what.
You know Billy's dad,
you know, the one who goes through his own garbage?
He just won a Porsche
for being the 15th caller on the radio.
Isn't that great?
That is the third Porsche on the block.
I can't believe our neighborhood.
Porsche, Porsche, Dodge, Porsche.
Yeah, we also have wage earners, wage earners,
leeches, and wage earners.
Kids, I think it's time to thank your father
for bringing home minimum wage.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.
Yup, I had a life once.
Any more good news?
Yeah, we learned in school today that by the time you retire,
social security won't be there anymore.
You're not gonna come live with us, are you, Dad?
Did I tell you kids that I love you today?
No, Dad.
Well, think about that on your way upstairs.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Gee, I wonder who that could be?
That's Steve and Marcie. Don't answer it, Peg.
Oh, look, it's Steve and Marcie.
Hi.
Hey, Al, ask me what happened today.
Peg, ask me how I'm doing.
How are you doing?
You're looking at the new manager
of the leading bank of Chicago.
Steve got promoted.
Well, congratulations.
Did you hear that, Al? Steve got promoted.
Gee, that's great.
What grade's he in?
Oh, Al.
You know when Marcie got that spot at Kyoto National?
Her job at our bank opened up.
Steve's going to be making a lot more money now.
Guess what I got under my arm.
Nair burn?
A lot more money, Al.
Anyhow, I brought some brochures.
We're gonna get a new car,
you know, one that makes a statement that says
"Why is he living in this neighborhood?"
I'm so proud of my man.
Come and tell me what it's like, Marce.
Anyhow, Al, you know about cars.
I've narrowed it down to the Volvo, the baby Benz,
and the BMW three series.
Which would you get if you had any money at all?
Well, the BMW is a driver's car,
but if you should happen to drive into a wall,
the Benz has air bags, so, uh...
I'd go with the BMW.
What's the matter, Al, bad day?
Nope, because I'm gonna watch the Cubs.
Yep, I'm watching them pull the tarp over the field.
TVANNOUNCER: ...and the game is called due to rain.
Stay tuned for something boring.
Well, it's kind of hard to describe.
You know, it's the kind of feeling of being happy
to be married to him, admiring him,
looking forward to him coming home.
Marce, look at Al.
Would you look forward to him coming home?
I'm sorry, Peggy.
Anyhow, Al, I can't decide about the colors.
You see, I'm leaning towards black.
That'll attract the women-- Make them what they can't have.
Let's go, Marce.
Ooh, Al-- by the way, Marcie has to go away this weekend.
Her mother's thinking of remarrying,
and she's driving up to run a quick credit check.
Can you give me a lift home from work tomorrow?
Why don't you ask a friend?
I don't want to put any of them out.
Let's go, Marce.
Let's go buy something.
Ooh...
I just love it when you talk spending to me.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I can't believe it.
Everybody in the world is making money.
Aw, honey, that's not true.
You're not.
You're my rock, Peg.
And you are my albatross, Al.
Look, honey, you're still a young man.
And there's plenty of chances to make it big.
That's sweet of you, Peg.
A fella couldn't ask for a better wife.
[SNORING]
It's okay, Wyatt.
I'll get it.
Hi, Al. Be right with you.
Gee, I've never been in a bank that was closed before.
Yep. This is where it all happens.
You know this is my favorite time and my favorite place.
Yeah, some people like Hawaii at sunset.
Me?
Give me a bank after hours.
It's the cathedral of capitalism.
Can you hear it, Al?
It's the sound of interest accruing.
I'll be with you in a second,
just a few last minute managerial duties.
Tomorrow's a really busy day,
so I have to put out these "next window, please" signs,
because we're only gonna have two tellers working.
And I got one more car loan to approve.
Come on, hurry up, Steve!
It won't take long.
It's mine.
Yes!
Ok, Al...
I'm ready.
Al?
I'm in the vault!
Oh. The vault!
Al, are you crazy?
This is a federal offense.
I was just looking.
Okay, I'm ready to go.
Al, you can't touch this.
This is money.
Only the bank president and his squeeze
are allowed to play with the money.
Steve...
smell this.
Tell me we don't have the same rights
as a bank president and his squeeze.
I'll see your 50,000 and I'll raise you...
this gold bar.
I...call.
Read them and weep.
Jack high.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Deuces, Al.
Two of them.
Hey, Steve-- Indianpoker for this guy's mortgage.
I don't feel like it, Al.
Is it unnatural for me to be horny?
Not at all, Steve. Money is love.
This is a car.
This is a house.
And all this is a blonde.
Look at these bonds, Al.
This little piece of paper is worth $100,000.
[WHISTLES]
Steve, I'm gonna just throw something at you.
What say I pull the car around back...
we load it up...
And head for Canada?
Where the dollar means something.
Call the girls in about 10 years.
I can't.
Why?
I don't exactly know.
Come on, Steve!
They sell Mercedes in Canada-- big ones!
And they come with hookers dressed like college girls.
Come on, Steve. Get some bags.
I'll toss out Peg's dry cleaning
and we'll make rooms in the trunk.
It's not like we're never gonna see the girls again, right?
Right! Okay, I'll get the car!
If Wyatt wakes up, kill him.
Wait a second.
Al, this is insane.
It's wrong.
It's illegal.
Ooh, that's it. It's illegal.
Aw, come on, buddy.
We've had our fun. Let's go home.
All right.
You're right. You're right.
It's all coming back to me now. Ungrateful redhead, rotten kids.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm back now, but what a beautiful memory.
I wish I had a picture of it.
So I could show my grandchildren I had all this money,
but their grandmother spent it all.
I know.
But...
we got our memories.
Let's go, buddy.
Well, I think we should be proud of your daddy.
He just cost us the only chance we'll ever have for happiness.
I'll tell you this much--
the man I marry would have taken that money.
Hey, leave Dad alone.
Don't you think he knows he made the biggest mistake
of all our lives?
As I said to Steve, it's illegal and wrong,
and I'll have no part of it.
Al, tell me something, honey.
When you were in there with all that money,
what did you think about?
Well, Peg, I thought if I did take it,
you and me and the kids would drive up to Canada
and live the life we deserve.
Aw, honey.
I know. I know.
All right, Al, there's a million dollars missing.
Where is it?
Oh, Al!
All right, Dad!
I can have everything I want.
I love my daddy!
We all do, dear.
Al, you are scum.
But he can buy and sell you, buddy.
Steve, listen, you know I didn't take it.
Now how could I carry a million dollars?
Those security bonds.
Ten stinking pieces of paper.
You could have put them anywhere while I was out of the vault.
Security bonds. Brilliant, Dad.
Those are good in Canada, aren't they, Al?
A cashmere sweater, a CD player,
David Lee Roth chained to my bed.
Listen, Al, Monday when they check the duty roster,
one word is gonna come from above: Rhoades.
I'll have one word for them: Bundy.
Listen, Steve, I didn't take it!
Al!
We're talking 20-50 with chain saw killers.
And don't think I'm serving time alone, bunkie.
If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs,
you're gonna be passing the soap.
I did not take it!
Hello, Debbie?
Remember saying you wouldn't go out with me
for all the money in the world?
Let's test that theory, shall we?
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to go home, drink moderately, and pass out.
And when I come to, you're gonna give the money back,
because I believe, deep down, that you are an honest man.
So...here I go...
walking through the door...
to leave you alone with your conscience.
Peggy, I'm depending on you to make him do the right thing.
Steve, if Al said he didn't take it, he didn't take it.
God, I love you!
Oh...sure, my husband shows me no affection
and has a go-nowhere job, but daddy is really taking care
of his family now, kids!
Yeah! All right, dad!
Peg, listen to me for once in your life.
I don't have the money.
Now don't think you're holding out on me, Al.
Uh-uh.
I've made your breakfasts.
I've had your children.
I've even gone to the bathroom after you.
I've paid my dues, Al.
I've earned that money just as if I'd taken it myself.
Half of it's mine.
Unless you go to prison, and then it's all mine.
So where is it, snookie?
Don't know.
Okay, Al.
I believe you.
I know what you're thinking.
"How can I serve my daddy?"
You can fix me breakfast.
What's in it for us?
Right. Why should I make breakfast
for a man who won't even cut us in?
Well, okay Peg, but I'll tell you this,
if a guy did have a million dollars
he sure wouldn't share it with someone
who wouldn't fix his breakfast.
It's not golden brown enough.
I knew it! I knew it!
I'm sorry.
The harm's done, Bud.
Daddy's upset.
Don't badger your father, kids.
Juice, Al?
Why not? I squeezed it myself.
Tell us again about Rio, honey.
Okay.
We'll all be there, laying in the sun.
Pulp.
The palm trees will be swaying in the breeze,
and the cabana boys...
Ohh...
They live to serve you.
Kelly, move it with Daddy's juice.
And the surfer boys in their tiny little bathing suits
will be riding the waves.
Tell me again about their bodies, Al.
They're tight, Peg.
Young, tight, and tan, still glistening from the surf.
Would you like another rubdown with your breakfast, Al?
Peg, I'm raw, I'm full, and I can't go on.
Leave me alone.
I don't have the money!
Yeah, right, and I'm don't have a date with Debbie.
18-year-old Debbie?
Money talks, Kel.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get that, dear.
* Rio de Janeiro Where the boys swing *
* Their derriere-oh *
Well, it's Monday.
Right about now they should discover
there's a million dollars missing.
They think back--
"Let's see, who was the last person in the bank on Saturday?
"Who had the opportunity?
"Why, it was Rhoades.
"No wonder he called in sick today.
"Well, let's turn down his car loan
and give him 20 years to life."
Of course, I'll turn you in.
And soon as we're both behind bars,
I'm going to kill you.
If I can't do it myself,
I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.
Don't let him scare you, Al.
You could do 20 years standing on your head.
Yeah, Dad, and we'll be waiting right here for you
when you get out.
Look, Al, I can see why you wouldn't mind prison,
but I like my home life.
Nice welcome home present for Marcie.
What's she going to say
when I don't show up for dinner for the next 20 years to life?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
There's the long arm of the law!
Nope, it's the frog legs of your wife.
Hi, Steve.
I missed you so much.
She's wearing red.
That's how they got Dillinger.
Are you feeling okay, Steve?
I went by your bank, when I got back to town
and they said you were sick.
Uh...they happen to mention anything else about me?
Well, no, Steve, but you're going to love this.
Your bank lost a million dollars!
Oh, I get another job, and things just fall apart.
I mean, how do you lose a million dollars?
They were in a panic.
The computer made a transfer of funds to Munich,
but the telex confirmation-- had the 12-hour international delay.
Of course!
Well, I'm sure you would have caught it
if you hadn't been out sick.
I'm better now.
Isn't that something?
I'll bet some idiots down at the bank thought somebody took it.
We are banking professionals, Al.
Come on, Steve. Let's go home.
Just a minute, Marcie.
Uh...Al?
Yes, Steve?
Keep your kids away from my Mercedes.
The funniest thing is, with that telex delay,
somebody could have really taken that million dollars
and been well into Canada by the time they caught it.
We don't have a million dollars, Al?
Peg, I've been trying to tell you that for two days.
You know I never listen to you.
Well, we're broke again, kids.
Thank your father.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.
Ah, what the hell?
We're rich in other ways.
We've still got each other.
Well, I'm going to work.
And I'll tell you what I'll do:
I'll stop off after work and get us some sugar pops.
See?
We're not too broke to eat.
Well, life isn't so bad, is it, kids?
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And on a local note,
tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago
when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children
weretalked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower.
It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt
inChicago history.
The woman was quoted as sobbing,
"Shoes.He sells shoes."
I'm home!
[***]